04.27.2009 // Humor, Movies, Short Stories // jcbrady
(The Big Lebowski characters meet in the Night of the Living Dead setting) Download PDF
A small white house in the country is perched on a green hillside. The house is boarded up. A few scattered zombies roam about and the sun is going down. Inside the house, 3 men and 1 woman prepare to do battle with evil forces for which we can’t explain the origins.
While others sharpen their blades and inspect their guns, our spotlight character, the Dude, rests with his feet propped up on the arm of the sofa. He is drinking a White Russian and reading an issue of National Geographic. Gordon, the team leader, enters the room and is not happy with the sight.
“UH-hum, you need to get up and grab a gun.”
He sits up, and sets the drink and magazine down, trying not to lose the page he was on.
“Yeah, man far out.”
Gordon looks him over with a furrowed brow, unable to comprehend what is “far out” about the current situation. He grabs a 12 gauge shotgun and throws it to the Dude, hoping he’ll catch it… he does but it knocks him in the chest.
“We have a situation, that requires immediate action… and what did you say your name was?”
“Dude, just call me Dude.”
“Okay… Dude, don’t get killed tonight.”
The team had prepared for a long night. They had bottled water, plenty of food as well as weapons and ammo. Would they make it? Gordon could only hope for the best. He decided to make a round through the house to see how everyone was doing.
Dee was currently positioned at the window looking East. She was an ex-marine who could handle herself well. Her hair was short, crew cut style and she never said much. Her chest was enormous for her frame but she was far from the type to have a boob job. Asking her if she had a boob job would surely mean a fight, one in which Gordon would have to use his well honed skills in his defense.
Gordon himself was an ex-marine and would have been taken by Dee’s natural beauty right away had she not been seeing the guy in the next room, Ian.
“Ya okay in here Dee?”
“Check.”
Gordon moved to the next room where Ian was stationed. He could never understand what Dee saw in Ian. He was a loaner who traveled around a lot. Ian had a short mullet and wore horn rimmed glasses.
“Ian, you okay?”
“Righto, Gordo,” he said, doing a bad impression of an English accent.
“We got a barrage of zombies about to hit us.” Gordon said.
“I see em and I’m ready man, bring it on”
They both looked out the cracks between the boards that covered the windows. They could see the horizon was filling up with zombies as the sky was filling up with night. Gordon was concerned.
For the next several minutes he discussed possible strategies with Ian. They analyzed their strengths and weaknesses and came up with several worst case scenarios. Unfortunately, Gordon knew on some level that they were all doomed.
Dee eventually came in to join them. He was glad, for she often had good ideas. Aside from that, her presence really tied the room together.
Gordon, sensing the need for the team to stay tied together, went to get the Dude. Though doubtful if he’d have much to add, he was doing his best to inspire teamwork.
The Dude however, was not at his post. His gun was sitting in the windowsill unattended. He was thumbing through old records and had on a pair of headphones. Gordon could hear the music coming from the Dude’s headphones all the way across the room. He was outraged and a little panic stricken.
“What the hell are you doing!?” Gordon yelled.
The dude hardly heard him but his voice was just loud enough to get him to turn his head around and look at Gordon.
“Oh, hey man.”
“What’s the matter with you, do you realize what’s coming our way?”
The Dude, catching the drift of Gordon’s anger, suddenly felt guilty for not manning his post.
“Sorry man.”
He put the headphones down and turned off the record player. Then he carefully pulled the record off the turntable and slid it in the jacket. Several records sat on the floor and the Dude picked them up and began sorting them out one by one. All this time Gordon stands, gun in hand, watching in confusion and disbelief.
Apparently, the Dude had misplaced an album in the wrong sleeve. He starts taking the records out and fumbles around looking for the right match. It’s enough to turn Gordon’s disbelief into rage. He rushes over and grabs the albums out of the Dude’s hands and throws them in a pile on the floor.
“Hey, careful man… that’s Billie Holiday.”
“Maybe you’re not grasping the full scope of what were up against. We’ve got zombies outside that want to eat our brains and they’ll be here any minute.”
The Dude is a bit put off by Gordon’s aggression but is understanding of his concern. He nods in agreement.
“Yeah, yeah.”
“You don’t even have your gun in your hand. We’re covered on the North, East and South but what’s going to happen when they hit the West side of the house… your side of the house?”
“They haven’t hit yet man.”
“Well, when they do all hell’s going to break loose, and you… what’d you say your name was again?”
“Dude, or The dude… Dudearino, or…”
“Nevermind… Get that gun in your hand and get over there and guard the window.”
“Okay, man”
“Pronto!”
Gordon storms out of the room. He’s frazzled but at least satisfied he’s now got everyone, including the dude, covering their bases. Before he can make it back to his post, he hears a thumping sound coming from the back of the house. The zombies have arrived.
He runs to find Dee and Ian madly fighting Zombies at the back door. Arms are coming through cracks in the boards and Ian and Dee are hacking off limbs with a machete and kitchen knife. There is a pile of limbs on the floor and the two have pretty much got their hands full.
Gordon runs to the window to fight some more zombies. He can hear them hissing and moaning outside, lumbering around the back porch. He sticks his shotgun between one of the cracks through the window and squeezes off a few rounds.
Meanwhile, the Dude is squeezing off shots as well. At first he’s not sure he likes the violent kick of the shotgun but then starts to think it’s kinda cool. The fight goes on for several minutes as the team hacks, slices and blasts away. It’s almost enough to give them the illusion that they’re winning.
A loud crash in the kitchen is enough to shatter that illusion as a horde of zombies make it through the outside kitchen door. Gordon, knowing the layout of the house quickly moves to counter the attack, shutting the kitchen doors.
“Let’s go,” he says to Dee and Ian.
Then he notices the bite on Ian’s arm.
“Did one of them bite you?” Gordon says, looking at the huge open wound on Ian’s forearm.
“Looks that way,” says Ian.
Dee quickly grabs a strip of gause and bandages him up. They move toward another area of the house, the west side where the Dude holds down the fort. Gordon creates barriers out of furniture and Dee helps Ian walk. Gradually moving west and sealing off the way behind them so the zombies can’t follow.
During this intensity, Gordon is thinking, “either the Dude is dead or he’s happily sitting on the couch and smoking a “J”.”
They bust in his room.
“Ian’s been bit!” Says Dee.
The Dude is blasting away at zombies, and appears to be enjoying himself. He turns around and faces the group.
“Whoa… you should have seen that one!”
As he does this, a zombie from outside grabs the barrel of his unattended gun and presses down, knocking the dude in the head with the butt end. The Dude corrects and a brief tug of war ensues before he manages to get a shot off.
“Whoaaaaaaaa!”
Meanwhile, Ian collapses on the floor and Dee bends down to help him. The Dude pulls himself away from the action to notice what’s going on. Ian, his buddy that he met as a fellow roadie for Metallica has been bitten and it’s not looking good for him.
“We got to shoot em,” says Gordon.
Gordon holds up his gun, ready to do the job. The Dude steps in, trying to call attention away from his friend Ian.
“Wait man, we have a situation that requires immediate action here man. Zombies are all over the horizon.”
“Ian’s not looking good, that’s were the action needs to be taken Dude.”
“He’ll get over it man.”
“That’s not usually what happens in these situations.” says Gordon.
Suddenly, Ian lunges for the Dude’s leg and tries to take a bite. The Dude jumps back just in time. Gordon squeezes the trigger on his shotgun and Blam! Blood and brains fly everywhere splattering across the Dude’s face. Bits and pieces get into his beard.
The Dude stands still for a moment then shakes his head without actually moving at all. (Much like the scene where Donnie’s ashes scatter across his face at the funeral). However there is no wind, the air is still. The silence is interrupted by a loud yell from upstairs.
“Wooooohooooooo”. It’s Walter and he’s jumped from the second floor onto the landing.
“Walter, you made it”
“Hey Dude, looks like you’ve got yourself quite a situation here.”
“Walter, am I glad to see you man”
The doors burst open with zombies and Gordon and Dee make a mad rush upstairs almost knocking Walter over.
“That’s right, everybody upstairs, the chopper’s waitin… Bunch a Nihilists”
“Nihilists? Walter, they’re not Nihilists.”
“Not them Dude, the evil forces invading your little abode here”
The Dude stops on the landing to have a brief conversation with Walter. They survey the situation on the lower floor of the house, now being taken over by zombies.
“Walter, they’re not Nihilists they’re Zombies man”
“Call em what you will Dude, no time to argue, lets go”
Walter kicks one the zombies in the chest and sends him falling back on a bunch of other zombies. They make a run for the roof where a helicopter is waiting. They all make it to the makeshift launch pad, but there’s one small problem.
They’ve got 5 people and the chopper only fits 4. Jonnie,(a long lost cousin of Donnie) and an old friend of Walter and the Dude is sitting in the helicopter too.
“Hey Dude.” He says.
“Hey Jonnie, Walter why the hell did you bring Jonnie?”
“I don’t know Dude, the company I guess.”
“Can we all fit?” says Dee.
“I can sit on someone’s lap.” says Jonnie
“Jonnie, you’re out of your element, it’s too much weight for the chopper”
“1 of us will have to stay.”
To be continued…
03.08.2009 // Humor, Miscellaneous, Short Stories // jcbrady
I decided I wanted an easy button so I set out to buy one. On the store display stand it said, “makes a perfect gift”. I have to admit this suggestion made me a little embarassed because I normally would view this item as the sort of thing I’d receive as a gift. I therefore bought one for myself and another as a gift for somebody because I thought it really would make a good gift. (That marketing stuff really gets inside your head sometimes)
Before I bought the easy button, I had in mind a couple of ways I wanted to customize it. Number 1 I wanted to make it green because a red easy button doesn’t make sense to me. Red is an emergency color and I wanted my easy button to have a soothing feel to it. Number 2, I didn’t like when you pressed the button, it say’s “that was easy”. For some reason, I just didn’t like it.
When I got home I began customization on my easy button right away. I took the rubber stoppers off the bottom and unscrewed the screws. I pulled on the wire that was connected to the circuit board and the whole circuit board broke. Oh well, that did the trick for getting rid of the audio.
Next I proceeded upstairs where all the painting supplies are usually kept. After some searching, I found the green paint I was looking for. I also found a small sable brush and a larger one so as to cover the whole red area of the easy button with green.
Once I had finished my painting I admired my work, It looked pretty good and I was happy with it. Then I noticed how the paint wasn’t drying and I looked at the label on the paint again. It was oil paint and not acrylic! Augggh! (Oil paint would take months and months to dry)
I got the turpentine out and took off the paint, what a mess it was. Green paint all over the place and on my hands and clothes. I must have spent half an hour cleaning up the mess.
I then proceeded to look for the acrylic paints. I looked everywhere in the paint room and then moved to other areas of the house. I called my wife to help me look and she couldn’t find the acrylic paints either.
I had no choice but to look in the attic. So there I went, digging through boxes and boxes of junk that I have in my attic (no metaphor intended). I found all kinds of stuff I wasn’t looking for but I could not find the acrylic paints. I was seriously ready to break something at this point.
I decided that maybe my green easy button wasn’t meant to be and that I’d either come back to this project or forget about it and move on. I went downstairs and sat on the couch next to my wife.
“Did you find the acrylics?” She said.
“No”, I said.
“Well the store’s still open, why don’t you go get some green paint”.
With that being said, I listened to my loving and helpful wife and went to the store. I picked out some green acrylic (making sure to read the label this time). When I got home I got a new sable brush and started applying paint.
This application unfortunately, was semi transparent (unlike the oil paint) and the easy button looked like garbage. I realized it just wasn’t going to work and I took a rag to it, wiping the paint off. I went ahead and settled for a red easy button but when I put the pieces back together my easy button was broken.
The moral of the story is that sometimes you just got to settle for what’s inside the box. Maybe that’s the key to happiness, not sure. One thing I can say for sure, is that I’m glad I bought that extra easy button as a gift because it became a gift to… (tears and sobbing) myself.
Change the color of the easy button EASILY in this Photoshop CS4 Tutorial.
02.13.2009 // Design, Humor, Miscellaneous // jcbrady
Designer
“I’m depressed”
Psychiatrist
“What seems to be bothering you?”
Designer
“I hate having to upgrade my Adobe Suite. Every time they change things around, I can’t find my shortcuts and they change the interface in ways that are very disconcerting, it’s awful…”
“… I used to look forward to upgrades but now I can’t stand them. Ever since CS2 it seems it’s been all downhill and now I hate upgrading my Adobe products”
Psychiatrist
“I can prescribe something for that, would you like to try Adobetin?”
Designer
What about Adobezac or Adobezine? I heard there were bad side effects with Adobetin.
Psychiatrist
Actually, Adobetin is new and the makers have reduced some of the bad side effects that the other medications have. Lots of designers use it and have reported excellent results.
Designer
Won’t this prescription only work for a year or so and then wear off? Adobe upgrades every year and a half, so this won’t really work for me.
Psychiatrist
Some users of Adobetin have reported this, but it usually works best when coupled with other treatments.
Designer
What kind of treatments?
Psychiatrist
Group therapy and talk therapy. Sometimes it helps to talk these things out and know that there hundreds, even thousands of people that are just like you. You are not alone with your problems and it can help you to learn that you’ll just have to shut the hell up and deal with it.
Designer
Blaaaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaaaah!
Anyone got some Adobetin? What’s your prescription for Adobe upgrades? Did you once look forward to them and now you dread them? Is this a phenomenon that happens with age, experience or both? Not effected at all? Talk to me.
