Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Selecting a Barber
For most people, getting a haircut is a monthly ritual, so with that in mind it is important to select a barber or hair stylist that you enjoy. It is surprising how often once a month actually is, so don’t select someone who you don’t like or you’ll end up procrastinating your haircuts. You can always tell people who don’t like their barbers because their hair always looks like crap.
My barber is silent and only says the essentials, like “how do you want your haircut?” Then, he remains silent for the duration of the actual haircutting. This I enjoy. I think it would be much easier to select barbers if there was a such thing as a “silent barber”. “Silent Barber” could be a tag-line on their sign and could be a promotional item on their advertisements.
The other thing that is important when selecting a barber is ensuring that they are inexpensive. For me it’s got to be less than $10 with tip or I’m going to start looking like someone who doesn’t like their barber.
For me, the barber never picks up a scissors and only uses the electric clippers with different length attachments. It’s funny that every barber thinks that you should know what number their attachment is. “Would you like a number 4 on top or a number 3?” I answer with “leave about an inch” and they tell me “Okay, that’s a number 4″.
One time I even wrote the number down, thinking it would make the experience easier. It seemed to work, but it must have made things too easy on the barber because they started talking to me, asking me what I was doing today and how my weekend was. “SILENCE”, I said… but asked for silence is not the same as initial silence, it was just awkward. I no longer go to that barber.
Dining Out
When you sit down at the table there will usually be a menu waiting for you. Open it up and discuss food selection with your companion. If you do not have a companion, discuss it with yourself.
While you are deciding what to order, several other people will likely pass your table on their way to be seated. You can look at them if you want to but do not follow them. Keep concentrated on your food selection and get ready to place your order.
When the waiter comes to your table to take your order, it is important that you are ready to order. If you are not, the waiter will happily leave but will often not return for a very, very long time.
Once you have ordered, you will sit and wait. It sometimes helps to talk while you wait. For example at my last dining out experience, I talked about how two of the restaurant tables were round while the majority of tables were rectangular. The inconsistnacy bothered me and it helped to ease the tension by talking about it. Time also flies when you’re having an engaging conversation with yourself.
Anyway, when the food arrives it is best to eat it. The owners of the restaurant appreciate this and afterall it’s the main task you are here at the restaurant to complete. When you are finished, ask the waiter for your check and pay your bill. Now that you have finished going out to eat, congratulate yourself.
Going to the Liquor Store
Pull into the parking lot and find the entrance to the store. This is usually simple because there will be a sign that says “pull” adjacent to the handle. Some liquor stores unfortunately do not have this instruction, making it difficult to enter. If you run into this problem ask someone who looks like they’ve been inside the store. They will usually be able to direct you.
Once inside, browse the isles and notice all the different colored bottles that are actually various types of alcoholic beverages. Clear colors and browns are often a good choice, choose one that suits you.
Once you have your selection you’ll want to pay for it at the cashier. There will usually be several of them, it is often best to choose the one with the shortest line. This is not always the case however because sometimes the cashier with the shortest line is also the one who’s trying to get you to invite them to a party. People tend to avoid this line and this is usually why it is the shortest.
The general reason why nobody wants to invite these cashiers to their party is because they don’t know who they are. Unfortunately, the cashiers do not understand this and therefore act like someone who would be well placed at the center of any party. If you hear a cashier’s voice throughout the duration of your liquor store visit, it’s generally a good idea to avoid their line even though it is the shortest. Unless of course you are in a hurry and are willing to endure a story or two about how well they know how to party.
Anyway, once you’ve checked out, make your way to the exit. This is usually the same as your entry point but not always. If you can’t find the exit, ask someone who looks like they’re headed that direction and you should be good to go.
Home Tips: Part 1
How to Sit Down
Find a chair that suits you. When you have chosen, back up to it until you are at the very edge. The top of the chair should be at the same level as the back of your knees. Bend your knees slowly until your butt touches the surface of the chair. You should be sitting down now, congratulate yourself.
How to Watch TV
Find a spot that’s comfortable to sit. (refer to the above entry if this is confusing) Most televisions now come with a remote control which allows you to interact with the TV from anywhere in the room. If you do not have this feature then this tutorial is not for you, sorry.
Hold the remote in your right hand (or left if you’re left handed) and change the channels with the up & down arrows. The amazing thing here is that there are always shows on no matter what time of day. They are not necessarily good shows, but they are always on. `
Getting a Drink
Go to the refrigerator door and open it. Depending on your place of residence you will see a wide assortment of drinks or very few. Choose one that suits you. Now pick it up and place it on the counter. Find a glass and pour the liquid in until you settle on an amount you want to drink. This will vary depending on mood and amount of thirst.
Next put the beverage container back in the fridge. It is often easiest to put it in the exact spot you got it from because you will eliminate the need to find an available space for it.
Sit back down with your drink and drink it. For an extra challenge, you can try changing channels while you drink your beverage. You are now channel surfing while beverage drinking. Congratulate yourself.
Work Tips: Part 1
Please note that not everyone works at the same place so this makes giving instructions on work complicated. Instructions will be simplified here to accommodate common scenarios.
How to Go to Work
Move toward to your work location, if you work at the same place every day, it should not be a problem finding your work location. If you can not find your workplace, refer to the employee handbook or ask your supervisor for details.
How to Eat Lunch
If you do not know where the break room is, see your supervisor. Once there put your food down on the nearest table and pull out the lunch items. Depending on your lunch, you may need to microwave a few things. If this is the case read the instructions on how to microwave your food. Heating times will vary.
There will likely be other people in the break room sitting at various tables. You do not have to talk to them or sit by them. If you do choose to talk to them, they may stop eating and look at you. Remember it is never a good idea to talk with food in your mouth. It is impolite and can sometimes be hazardous. People choke and can die from this, so be extra careful to finish your food when you engage in conversation.
How to Get a Drink of Water
First, find out if you have a drinking fountain or water cooler in your office. If you do not know this, ask your supervisor. Once you have Located a drinking fountain or Water Cooler, approach it.
In this tutorial we will focus on a water cooler. Sometimes there are cups at the water cooler and sometimes there are not. If there are not you will need a container to hold your water. I can’t really help you here unless you already know where to secure a proper container for your water.
Assuming you have a container, hold it under the water spout and press the blue button. Water should start coming out and filling up your container. If this is the case, you’re in luck… Congratulate yourself.
Now, do not let the water get so high that it overflows the edge of your container. If you do this, you’ve got what’s called a spill. Spills are a problem in most offices and should be avoided.
Now that you’ve got your water container full, drink up, enjoy and repeat. Soon we’ll discuss in depth, tips on how to go to the bathroom.
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